Its been a challenging week this week. The idea of what I gain from having a job has been on my mind, prompted I am sure by the master designer himself. Yes we all need an income, yes we all need not to be watching daytime tv (certainly a big yes to that one). But what do I derive from having a job, and what do I miss by not having one right now?
Well to be honist, I get a sense of purpose, and identity, a sense of being needed, which in turn comes out of a search for acceptance and value. I love having a job that is different from the norm, it makes me all the more interesting to talk to. I feel I contribute something of value, and also find security in being good enough at something to be offered a job in the first place. It props up a fragile ego. And here is the rub. If I am to truly be in realtionship with a loving God, the master designer, then surely this stuff should all be found in him. Surely I must be able to view myself outside of just what I do and what I can sketch, and even what I might have got in production. For a designer, working in an industry where jobs are given on the basis of promotion of what we have done in the past, thats a challenge.
Do not get me wrong, none of the above are things that are wrong in themselves. And I am not recommending that all designers put down their pens and take up holy orders or swell the numbers of Monks in the world. I just think that when faced with all the challenges of unemployment, its easy for me to think that my life without a job is a waste, and that unless I am not designing or sketching, or arguing with a supplier as to where I can and cannot put a dashboard switch, then I am useless and have no value.
Truth is that God has to be of higher value than all of this, he still as to be my God whether I am working or not, in the good and the not so good times. If my love for him is purely based on what job can he get me into, or how he can massage my fragile ego, then what kind of a love is that. I am writing this for myself to lay down an Ebineza stone if you like. I know this will continue to be a struggle, (indeed after another "thanks but No Thanks" today, what I am writing is already being put to the test). However I do believe that God in his grace and power knows this and will work on my fragile desire to follow him for who he is, and not the benefits package that I hope for so often